If your coming to the party see you tonite~
Love
Anna
Aphrodite!
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Its gonna get spooky here tonightttttttttttt..........
We are all carving pumpkins and decorating for the halloween party Friday night... Its gonna be so much fun Cant wait to see everyones costumes!
Im gonna be taking lots of pictures of this one
Hope you all have a great night
Love
Anna
Im gonna be taking lots of pictures of this one
Hope you all have a great night
Love
Anna
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
i got the job with mc connectors ...8)
i already booked my first event... i hope some come up earlier then the one i booked... we will see... but im happy i have something going on.
Thanks Hannah!
Love
anna
Thanks Hannah!
Love
anna
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
a long night alone... a little typing out of my thoughts... trying to get perspective...
you know its amazing to me how time alone i mean really going into ones self and looking for the answers to your situation whatever it may be is so intense...But the solutions are not always the easiest to make your mind agree too..
to utter the words again "Its Over"... makes me sick literally ... like Im a quitter like I didnt put out enough effort Like i created a situation and doomed it with out really trying to make it better... and like I am never gonna find that whatever it is I am looking for...
Can I be happy alone I mean can I really just be happy living out the rest of my life all alone... it makes me so sad... not the its over the alone part... I feel like I have so much to offer and so much love to share with someone and yet I self destruct with every relationship....
Growing up I never saw myself as the old lady sitting alone with her cats on the porch... no kids, no family of her own... I just never pictured that.... Is that whats in store for me?
do I just need to accept that as my future and stop thinking about a life with someone else... Maybe its time for me to start having some adventures again... pack up my car and hit the open road and see something new...
Im not even angry anymore which is good becuase anger just makes me feel ugly inside.and looks ugly on me on the outside.. its not who i am in my heart and soul. Im not even really sad anymore... maybe a little bit of self pity is in play but even that is minimal...
I think my soul is just too old for the modern day relationship stuff... I should have been my age back when men were true and relationships lasted a lifetime... This whole I need every woman in my life and you can never be my number one thing just doesn't work for me...
Im tired of trying to figure out what I did wrong.. the truth is Im 41 years old Im set in my ways... i have a clear perspective of what it is I want in a relationship if I am to have one and I am not going to change.I shouldn't have to. I dont want to.
is that stupid or stubborn....
another thing im struggling with in my mind is ... 1 of 3 things are happening to me physically... 1 Im starting menopause for real(mood swings , crazy periods or non exsistant) 2 I'm pregnant(which I doubt but maybe)same symptoms or 3 the cancer i had in my 20's is back (the crazy almost non exsistant periods) ....... and I don't want to face any of these things alone...I am scared and with everything that has been happening its not been a priority to me
Im praying its #1 at least there are pills for that LOL. I havent been concentrating on these things and it is driving me a bit crazy too... i need to just go to the doctor and find out whats up but I know somethings not right.
god forbid I am pregnant at 41 holy shit... with a guy who cant even be respectful to me i mean I will be stuck with him for the rest of my life.I can barely take care of myself and my dogs how the hell can i raise a baby
or if the cancer is back I dont have the insurance for that and if its already here well insurance wouldnt cover it anyway so i would be screwed and have to just accept my fate and try to fit in all the cool things I ever wanted to do in my life...
Its insane... you think about your life when your young and you just see it a certain way... grow up , find a career , fall in love, get married, have babies, raise them , grow old and one day you fall asleep and dont wake up..
hopefully somewhere along the way you touch someones life, you make someone happy, you teach someone something, you make someones dream come true, you leave a mark in the world that even in smallness of the expanse of the universe it really touched someone... it meant something....so at your funeral someone can honestly say, this person will be missed in the big picture of things... or even the small one...
In the big picture of things Does it really matter if someone was an ass to you... I mean does it really matter that you cant change everyone's way of thinking or that not everyone will like you. Or think your cool and amazing... only one person really needs to think that about you... YOU..
my Post secret for today is ... I don't think I will ever figure this crazy world out... and Im tired from trying.
Maybe its time I just start living it and stop thinking so hard about it.
I love yall
Have a Beautiful day
Anna
to utter the words again "Its Over"... makes me sick literally ... like Im a quitter like I didnt put out enough effort Like i created a situation and doomed it with out really trying to make it better... and like I am never gonna find that whatever it is I am looking for...
Can I be happy alone I mean can I really just be happy living out the rest of my life all alone... it makes me so sad... not the its over the alone part... I feel like I have so much to offer and so much love to share with someone and yet I self destruct with every relationship....
Growing up I never saw myself as the old lady sitting alone with her cats on the porch... no kids, no family of her own... I just never pictured that.... Is that whats in store for me?
do I just need to accept that as my future and stop thinking about a life with someone else... Maybe its time for me to start having some adventures again... pack up my car and hit the open road and see something new...
Im not even angry anymore which is good becuase anger just makes me feel ugly inside.and looks ugly on me on the outside.. its not who i am in my heart and soul. Im not even really sad anymore... maybe a little bit of self pity is in play but even that is minimal...
I think my soul is just too old for the modern day relationship stuff... I should have been my age back when men were true and relationships lasted a lifetime... This whole I need every woman in my life and you can never be my number one thing just doesn't work for me...
Im tired of trying to figure out what I did wrong.. the truth is Im 41 years old Im set in my ways... i have a clear perspective of what it is I want in a relationship if I am to have one and I am not going to change.I shouldn't have to. I dont want to.
is that stupid or stubborn....
another thing im struggling with in my mind is ... 1 of 3 things are happening to me physically... 1 Im starting menopause for real(mood swings , crazy periods or non exsistant) 2 I'm pregnant(which I doubt but maybe)same symptoms or 3 the cancer i had in my 20's is back (the crazy almost non exsistant periods) ....... and I don't want to face any of these things alone...I am scared and with everything that has been happening its not been a priority to me
Im praying its #1 at least there are pills for that LOL. I havent been concentrating on these things and it is driving me a bit crazy too... i need to just go to the doctor and find out whats up but I know somethings not right.
god forbid I am pregnant at 41 holy shit... with a guy who cant even be respectful to me i mean I will be stuck with him for the rest of my life.I can barely take care of myself and my dogs how the hell can i raise a baby
or if the cancer is back I dont have the insurance for that and if its already here well insurance wouldnt cover it anyway so i would be screwed and have to just accept my fate and try to fit in all the cool things I ever wanted to do in my life...
Its insane... you think about your life when your young and you just see it a certain way... grow up , find a career , fall in love, get married, have babies, raise them , grow old and one day you fall asleep and dont wake up..
hopefully somewhere along the way you touch someones life, you make someone happy, you teach someone something, you make someones dream come true, you leave a mark in the world that even in smallness of the expanse of the universe it really touched someone... it meant something....so at your funeral someone can honestly say, this person will be missed in the big picture of things... or even the small one...
In the big picture of things Does it really matter if someone was an ass to you... I mean does it really matter that you cant change everyone's way of thinking or that not everyone will like you. Or think your cool and amazing... only one person really needs to think that about you... YOU..
my Post secret for today is ... I don't think I will ever figure this crazy world out... and Im tired from trying.
Maybe its time I just start living it and stop thinking so hard about it.
I love yall
Have a Beautiful day
Anna
Saturday, October 25, 2008
A weekend alone!
Johns headed out to do some classes for color in cocoa for the weekend ... he is leaving today after he gets off work... so I can have some Anna time! I have a wedding today but I am gonna go have some fun in town tonight and maybe do some things I have been neglecting with all the stress of whats been going on here... Im not calling or having contact with him this weekend so I can make some decisions about what I want and what my next move is as far as our relationship is concerned... and my life is concerned.. I really hope i can come to some conclusions and be Anna again... so say a little prayer for me if you think of it.
Im looking forward to this time alone though I do know that!
I really need to get back on the anna track!
Hugs to you all have a beautiful day and weekend
Anna
Im looking forward to this time alone though I do know that!
I really need to get back on the anna track!
Hugs to you all have a beautiful day and weekend
Anna
Friday, October 24, 2008
This Rain is....
making me sleepy... :\zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Hows everyone doing today... I have to go find a notary to finish my application today... man you would think im trying to get a job with the government or something LOL...
well off i go another day of sorting pictures...
Have a beautiful day everyone
anna
Hows everyone doing today... I have to go find a notary to finish my application today... man you would think im trying to get a job with the government or something LOL...
well off i go another day of sorting pictures...
Have a beautiful day everyone
anna
Thursday, October 23, 2008
ok i got my application for that sample job
in and ready to go... lets see what happens there...
back to sorting pictures for the website...
and i have to get the pictures from that vow renewal ready to print... they called in their order last night...yeay
back to sorting pictures for the website...
and i have to get the pictures from that vow renewal ready to print... they called in their order last night...yeay
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Sorting Pictures for the website
Ok I have spent two hours today sorting through pictures for the anna-art website.
whew I cannot believe how many images I have on this computer. its insane and I havent even started the back up discs... but once this part is over I can start going through the images in each folder and start sorting through those to get the best ones together...
yeay me LOL
Hope your all having a beautiful day
anna
whew I cannot believe how many images I have on this computer. its insane and I havent even started the back up discs... but once this part is over I can start going through the images in each folder and start sorting through those to get the best ones together...
yeay me LOL
Hope your all having a beautiful day
anna
Monday, October 20, 2008
I am in the finals
Well its official as of last night I am in the finals of the karaoke contest at the dirty shame saloon... I will be singing with the band... along with Samae, Larry and Harold... the 4 of us are the competition... Im just excited im gonna be singing with a band how cool is that~
we will have to get Marv a gas mask so yall can come see me LOL...
The Finals are NOV 9th, 2008
Im really excited cant wait to find out what song I will be singing.
Ok gotta scoot got a ton of cleaning to do today.
Love
anna
we will have to get Marv a gas mask so yall can come see me LOL...
The Finals are NOV 9th, 2008
Im really excited cant wait to find out what song I will be singing.
Ok gotta scoot got a ton of cleaning to do today.
Love
anna
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Party tonight!
wooohooo a party on the dock! and its nice and cool so we can light the bon fire .... cant wait to see all my friends... wish you were in town tony.
Hannah bannana your singing tonight LMAO...
See yas later gators!
Love Anna
Hannah bannana your singing tonight LMAO...
See yas later gators!
Love Anna
Thursday, October 16, 2008
The latest in the saga called my life LOL
Tuesday night :
I was calm enough to have a discussion with john... and him with me... We talked until 5 in the morning about all the things that had been going on and why ... we yelled some but nothing over the top.. it would go from intense to talking and back to intense like discussions of this nature do... Basically, he felt caged... like i was trying to control everything and he had that in his last relationship and absolutely doesn't want any part of it in this one or any other... I respect that... and I see where my part in that could have created those feelings.. hey I'm not ashamed to admit when Im at fault for things too. I told him how his actions were making me react negatively and that if he would just come to me and talk to me about these things we wouldn't have had to go to this point.. He told me he does love me and I have been a blessing to him in his life, I talked to him about how I don't feel he is on my side, he said I didn't hear everything when Im not around and that he doesn't sit around talking shit about me at all that he tells his friends how wonderful I have been to him and how much he loves me for the things I have done and been to him at this time in his life..
We apologized to each other and have a better understanding of where the other person is coming from now and what their goals are in the relationship. something we didnt know or understand before.
we have decided as a couple to give things a month and see if we can work through them together now that we both know where the other person stands in the relationship.if things improve and we will stay together .. if not he will move out and I will move on...
there was alot said and i dont feel like typing a 9 hour conversation out but that was the basics of what came out of the talk.
we do love each other and i would like for this to work like it was in the beginning and so would he we were really happy then with life and each other... so that's what we are going to try to get back if we can.
Wed: since we were up till 5 am talking and didn't go to sleep till 6 am john called in sick wed and we spent the day together... something we haven't done in a long time.. we had a great day no fighting no going backwards and no people interrupting us...
another thing he reminded me of is something tony you have been telling me for a while and I was working on but haven't really achieved .. i have to have my own life too... i need to still be able to go out on my own or with my friends and do my own thing.. I do need to do this... when hannah came down the other day it was a lot of fun having friend time with her and getting out without him...it doesnt mean i dont want to hang with him but it probably is better to have times when your not together but with other people...
so thats where things are right now... we will see what happens.
8)
Have a beautiful day
anna
I was calm enough to have a discussion with john... and him with me... We talked until 5 in the morning about all the things that had been going on and why ... we yelled some but nothing over the top.. it would go from intense to talking and back to intense like discussions of this nature do... Basically, he felt caged... like i was trying to control everything and he had that in his last relationship and absolutely doesn't want any part of it in this one or any other... I respect that... and I see where my part in that could have created those feelings.. hey I'm not ashamed to admit when Im at fault for things too. I told him how his actions were making me react negatively and that if he would just come to me and talk to me about these things we wouldn't have had to go to this point.. He told me he does love me and I have been a blessing to him in his life, I talked to him about how I don't feel he is on my side, he said I didn't hear everything when Im not around and that he doesn't sit around talking shit about me at all that he tells his friends how wonderful I have been to him and how much he loves me for the things I have done and been to him at this time in his life..
We apologized to each other and have a better understanding of where the other person is coming from now and what their goals are in the relationship. something we didnt know or understand before.
we have decided as a couple to give things a month and see if we can work through them together now that we both know where the other person stands in the relationship.if things improve and we will stay together .. if not he will move out and I will move on...
there was alot said and i dont feel like typing a 9 hour conversation out but that was the basics of what came out of the talk.
we do love each other and i would like for this to work like it was in the beginning and so would he we were really happy then with life and each other... so that's what we are going to try to get back if we can.
Wed: since we were up till 5 am talking and didn't go to sleep till 6 am john called in sick wed and we spent the day together... something we haven't done in a long time.. we had a great day no fighting no going backwards and no people interrupting us...
another thing he reminded me of is something tony you have been telling me for a while and I was working on but haven't really achieved .. i have to have my own life too... i need to still be able to go out on my own or with my friends and do my own thing.. I do need to do this... when hannah came down the other day it was a lot of fun having friend time with her and getting out without him...it doesnt mean i dont want to hang with him but it probably is better to have times when your not together but with other people...
so thats where things are right now... we will see what happens.
8)
Have a beautiful day
anna
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Ok im way calmer today...
so no need to worry or fret about me... I am making my plans and figuring shit out... and Im smiling today so its all good... sorry for the drama yesterday, I was so pissed off i had to vent or i was gonna lose my mind... Thanks for being there for me yall... God I have amazing and wonderful friends! I love yall
xo
anna
xo
anna
Monday, October 13, 2008
OK I give up... Please excuse the cussing... was a little pissed when i wrote this.
I cant stand the fighting and bickering... I mean what the fuck!!! is it so hard to just get a long treat each other like your best friends and just get along... i mean why the hell would you treat a friend better then your lover... she is after all the one who is doing all the things that your "buddies" dont do
i would rather be alone till the end of time then have to go through another fucked up relationship ... i mean they start out so great we have fun get along laugh dance sing do all those romantic and beautiful things and then one day seemingly out of nowhere... everything changes.
I know its not a one sided issue. I play my part in the break down of things. not being able to accept everything that the man needs... but do I have to be disrespected in order for him to go the path he wants to go. am I supposed to just sit back and say please do walk all over me... please do everything you want to do with no regards for my feelings... just walk all over me im a happy little door mat for you... if i am supposed to do that Ill never be with someone completely becuase i say what i feel and Im not gonna let people abuse me in any way, physically mentally or emotionally... i dont deserve that and I wont tolerate it!
I know im not perfect... I get needy, I thrive on attention, Ill admit it.. I want to be the center of my mans world and maybe that is what a man cant stand... I just want the fairy tale ... like everyone else... but when im the center of his he also gets to be the center of mine... Im not saying i have to be with him 24/7 and he cant have a life... but why cant it be a life we share together... doing things that bring each other joy. Why cant it be us against the world instead of you against the world and me against the world. Why cant it be we are a team and enjoy life together... I just dont fucking get it!
I grew up in a family that did things together.and for each other .. my father never left mom sitting at home to go out till 5 am with his friends... My dad never let anyone including us disrespect my mom... they have been happily married for 37 years and although Im sure they went through their own personal issues... they never turned on each other. they never went against each other for the sake of proving a point... they never had other people come into their relationship and give advice especially people who had negative feelings towards either party... and god forbid someone hurt my moms feelings... my dad would have been on them like stink on shit! no joke! my dads like that though...
Im ready to just pack my shit and run away... start over and just fucking be able to relax again... I can tell you this though... the love bug, can kiss MY ASS!!
DAMN~ I never thought I would end up some bitter ass old woman all alone... what the fuck is wrong with me! I sure would like to know for real.... so i can fix that shit or get some kind of pill to make it go away... I hate this! I hate this so much i cant see straight... and it does absolutely no good to even try to talk or think or let it go or keep it going you just cant fucking win when its like this...
Ive read the books... be aloof, act as though nothing bothers you... have your own life, let it all roll off your back like you dont give a shit.... how can I with all the passion for life, living , loving, art , creativity... just bottle up my feelings and say they dont exsist... is that my problem I say to much how i feel and it just fucks things up.... yet when I was younger i was taught to let my emotions out not to bottle them up becuase it builds resentments and pushes you over the limits... I am so confused .... all the little games and rules... why cant we just be...be who we are say how we feel love how we love laugh how we laugh dream how we dream..why does everything have to be so hard?
Seriously.... Can someone give me some real input here becuase I honestly just dont fucking get it!
i would rather be alone till the end of time then have to go through another fucked up relationship ... i mean they start out so great we have fun get along laugh dance sing do all those romantic and beautiful things and then one day seemingly out of nowhere... everything changes.
I know its not a one sided issue. I play my part in the break down of things. not being able to accept everything that the man needs... but do I have to be disrespected in order for him to go the path he wants to go. am I supposed to just sit back and say please do walk all over me... please do everything you want to do with no regards for my feelings... just walk all over me im a happy little door mat for you... if i am supposed to do that Ill never be with someone completely becuase i say what i feel and Im not gonna let people abuse me in any way, physically mentally or emotionally... i dont deserve that and I wont tolerate it!
I know im not perfect... I get needy, I thrive on attention, Ill admit it.. I want to be the center of my mans world and maybe that is what a man cant stand... I just want the fairy tale ... like everyone else... but when im the center of his he also gets to be the center of mine... Im not saying i have to be with him 24/7 and he cant have a life... but why cant it be a life we share together... doing things that bring each other joy. Why cant it be us against the world instead of you against the world and me against the world. Why cant it be we are a team and enjoy life together... I just dont fucking get it!
I grew up in a family that did things together.and for each other .. my father never left mom sitting at home to go out till 5 am with his friends... My dad never let anyone including us disrespect my mom... they have been happily married for 37 years and although Im sure they went through their own personal issues... they never turned on each other. they never went against each other for the sake of proving a point... they never had other people come into their relationship and give advice especially people who had negative feelings towards either party... and god forbid someone hurt my moms feelings... my dad would have been on them like stink on shit! no joke! my dads like that though...
Im ready to just pack my shit and run away... start over and just fucking be able to relax again... I can tell you this though... the love bug, can kiss MY ASS!!
DAMN~ I never thought I would end up some bitter ass old woman all alone... what the fuck is wrong with me! I sure would like to know for real.... so i can fix that shit or get some kind of pill to make it go away... I hate this! I hate this so much i cant see straight... and it does absolutely no good to even try to talk or think or let it go or keep it going you just cant fucking win when its like this...
Ive read the books... be aloof, act as though nothing bothers you... have your own life, let it all roll off your back like you dont give a shit.... how can I with all the passion for life, living , loving, art , creativity... just bottle up my feelings and say they dont exsist... is that my problem I say to much how i feel and it just fucks things up.... yet when I was younger i was taught to let my emotions out not to bottle them up becuase it builds resentments and pushes you over the limits... I am so confused .... all the little games and rules... why cant we just be...be who we are say how we feel love how we love laugh how we laugh dream how we dream..why does everything have to be so hard?
Seriously.... Can someone give me some real input here becuase I honestly just dont fucking get it!
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Ok todays the real day
im meeting the producers and managers at in tha cutt records this morning at 11 am... im headed out the door now so say a prayer for me that things go well... this could be a pretty big deal if things go the way they sound... or it could just be a fun day for me either way its all good...
Hope yall are having a beautiful day
Anna
Hope yall are having a beautiful day
Anna
Thursday, October 2, 2008
LOL im going to lay down some tracks ...
at a recording studio today this lady is a talent manager and she wants me to come into the studio today and sing some stuff... should be fun for shits and giggles...she saw me the other night at the karaoke contest .... I will let yall know how it goes...
hugs
anna
hugs
anna
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