you know its amazing to me how time alone i mean really going into ones self and looking for the answers to your situation whatever it may be is so intense...But the solutions are not always the easiest to make your mind agree too..
to utter the words again "Its Over"... makes me sick literally ... like Im a quitter like I didnt put out enough effort Like i created a situation and doomed it with out really trying to make it better... and like I am never gonna find that whatever it is I am looking for...
Can I be happy alone I mean can I really just be happy living out the rest of my life all alone... it makes me so sad... not the its over the alone part... I feel like I have so much to offer and so much love to share with someone and yet I self destruct with every relationship....
Growing up I never saw myself as the old lady sitting alone with her cats on the porch... no kids, no family of her own... I just never pictured that.... Is that whats in store for me?
do I just need to accept that as my future and stop thinking about a life with someone else... Maybe its time for me to start having some adventures again... pack up my car and hit the open road and see something new...
Im not even angry anymore which is good becuase anger just makes me feel ugly inside.and looks ugly on me on the outside.. its not who i am in my heart and soul. Im not even really sad anymore... maybe a little bit of self pity is in play but even that is minimal...
I think my soul is just too old for the modern day relationship stuff... I should have been my age back when men were true and relationships lasted a lifetime... This whole I need every woman in my life and you can never be my number one thing just doesn't work for me...
Im tired of trying to figure out what I did wrong.. the truth is Im 41 years old Im set in my ways... i have a clear perspective of what it is I want in a relationship if I am to have one and I am not going to change.I shouldn't have to. I dont want to.
is that stupid or stubborn....
another thing im struggling with in my mind is ... 1 of 3 things are happening to me physically... 1 Im starting menopause for real(mood swings , crazy periods or non exsistant) 2 I'm pregnant(which I doubt but maybe)same symptoms or 3 the cancer i had in my 20's is back (the crazy almost non exsistant periods) ....... and I don't want to face any of these things alone...I am scared and with everything that has been happening its not been a priority to me
Im praying its #1 at least there are pills for that LOL. I havent been concentrating on these things and it is driving me a bit crazy too... i need to just go to the doctor and find out whats up but I know somethings not right.
god forbid I am pregnant at 41 holy shit... with a guy who cant even be respectful to me i mean I will be stuck with him for the rest of my life.I can barely take care of myself and my dogs how the hell can i raise a baby
or if the cancer is back I dont have the insurance for that and if its already here well insurance wouldnt cover it anyway so i would be screwed and have to just accept my fate and try to fit in all the cool things I ever wanted to do in my life...
Its insane... you think about your life when your young and you just see it a certain way... grow up , find a career , fall in love, get married, have babies, raise them , grow old and one day you fall asleep and dont wake up..
hopefully somewhere along the way you touch someones life, you make someone happy, you teach someone something, you make someones dream come true, you leave a mark in the world that even in smallness of the expanse of the universe it really touched someone... it meant something....so at your funeral someone can honestly say, this person will be missed in the big picture of things... or even the small one...
In the big picture of things Does it really matter if someone was an ass to you... I mean does it really matter that you cant change everyone's way of thinking or that not everyone will like you. Or think your cool and amazing... only one person really needs to think that about you... YOU..
my Post secret for today is ... I don't think I will ever figure this crazy world out... and Im tired from trying.
Maybe its time I just start living it and stop thinking so hard about it.
I love yall
Have a Beautiful day
Anna
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4 comments:
Anna, I wonder if depression is playing a role in your feeling like shit...
i dont know, maybe.
Anna Banana,
I worry about you, woman! But I have too much to say to write about, so I'll have to call you. However, I do think that both your physical and emotional need to be addressed, and the "John" thing is certainly not helping you one bit. ; (
Thanks for calling hannah good to hear your voice` and dont worry im getting it together I wont let anyone take the bobanna down~ been there done that bought the t-shirt... promise ill be ok!
Love anna
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